Step 1- minimize your training. If you can train no more than 5 days in the 3 weeks prior to your race, this is an ideal first step toward mediocrity, maybe worse.

Step 2 – make sure you don’t touch or even look at your cyclocross bike for at least 10 months. Then, one hour before the race, put your wheels on, make sure it works, and make sure you still know how to dismount and mount.

Step 3 – this is a big race, lots of people are going to show up, so register early so you get a good starting spot. Be sure though, that you ruin this good opportunity by taking an excessively long time to clip in after the start so that at least half the field passes you.

Step 4 – if your technical off road riding skills suck, like mine, don’t just ignore your cross bike, also ignore your mountain bike. This way, you can watch even more people pass you in the technical portions of the course.

Step 5 – as part of your effort to minimize training, go to a 48 hour bachelor party/drinking binge with your best friends from college. This will take care of 2 days while you are there, plus 2 more days after to recover, all completely off the bike.

Alternatively, if you want to do better, train appropriately, and practice your cross skills. I bet my poor remounting/clip in skills cost me at least a minute. Along the same lines, the start is arguably the most important part of cross, practice getting clipped in quickly. If your off road riding skills are weak, spend some time on the trails. You should still go to the bachelor party though. After all, how often do best friends get married?

Despite my poor preparation, I was excited for this race. As I approach the course, hear the cowbells and see the mud flying, my excitement grows. Cyclocross is without a doubt, the funnest racing of the season.

Fortunately, despite 10 months of neglect, my bike worked fine and because of my early registration I started in the second row, pretty good. Up front with me in a large field of 80+ 2/3's, are Greg and Paolo, so XXX should be well represented at the front. So far, so good. As the gun went off however, the problems began. I just could not get clipped in, it was pathetic. Riders were flying past me. In the midst of my frustration, I hear the sound no one wants to hear, that characteristic noise from metal crunching, breaks screeching, and people yelling. We all know what that means, crash. Unfortunately, the person I see skidding toward me on their back was Greg (he turned out to be fine, his bike did not, and he was out of the race). Narrowly avoiding imprinting my tire treads across his body, I finally get clipped in and am off.

Discouragingly however, the leaders are way ahead, and I probably haven’t gone 100 yards. Paolo had an outstanding start and is amongst the leaders. All I can do is put the hammer down and try to make up time. Unfortunately there are so many people in front of me, I can’t get around them and the technical portions of the course create huge bottle necks that bring me to a stop. The leaders meanwhile continue to surge ahead unencumbered. Alas, this is the price you pay for a bad start, and it was basically race over, at least in terms of a good placing. To make matters worse, the first 8 or 10 minutes were probably some of the most dangerous and chaotic of my season. People rode aggressively and poorly. I saw 2 or 3 people blindly run into stake posts and go down. Some just fell over going too slow, others slid out in the mud. I rubbed elbows, bumped shoulders, and knocked handlebars too many times.

Finally things thin out and I get settled into the cyclocross racing I know and love. The course is great, there’s a crowd to cheer you, and of course there are plenty of cowbells. As I tackle a difficult run up toward the end of the race, my legs fading, lungs searing, and upper body aching, I can’t help but smile as a rowdy crowd of people I don’t even know cheer me on, their voices slightly drowned out by a dozen clanging cowbells. What an amazing cyclocross environment. I think someone even had a bugle.

I finish somewhere in the middle of the field, maybe 40ish, completely exhausted. I made up some ground, but not a lot. I am happy to see Greg is up and ok. I’d look for him to be a force tomorrow.

Despite not having a large number of riders, XXX put together a typical strong showing as Julia won her division and Chris S. finished 3rd.

Even with a mediocre performance and crazy start, I left quite happy. Cyclocross is a great time and this race is extremely well done. I highly recommend people make the trip North next year. Even though work and weddings will keep me out of racing for the next 4 weeks, I can’t wait for my next event. My preparation will definitely be better.